More 1 Nephi Chapter 11. Here, Nephi prays for wisdom and his prayers are answered when the Spirit of the Lord carries him up into a tall mountain and asks him what he desires. Nephi wants to see the same vision his father saw. He immediately sees a tree, most precious and beautiful, like the tree his father saw. He is asked again what he desires, and this time Nephi responds with a wish to know the meaning of his father’s vision. The answer to this question is a vision of a beautiful woman living in the city of Nazareth.

An angel then comes down and asks him another interesting question:

16 And he said unto me: Knowest thou the condescension of God?

So, Nephi, who is young and unmarried is carried up in a vision and is shown an amazing tree, followed by a vision of a beautiful, young woman and is asked about the condescension of God. He answers:

 17 And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.

Why would tree be compared to this woman and why would both cause Nephi to express his knowledge of God’s love? What follows is an overview of Christ’s life. Christ, a perfect being comes from God to be born, to live in obscurity and poverty, and ends his short life, to suffer and die.

So much of this is counter-intuitive to what you might expect. Jesus, the prince of peace, lives a life in relative obscurity, in a modest corner of the world. He does not seek for power, but rather he is content to serve and to live with the destitute, the hungry, the poor. And he came not for physical deliverance but to offer something deeper but more subtle, peace in suffering and a hope for a better world after we die.

Nephi knows none of this before he’s asked the question though. He sees a beautiful women and immediately feels the the deep love God has for each of us.

Because really, we’re all beautiful, loved, worthwhile and blessed because Jesus did condescend to become one of us and then living among us, chose to suffer and to die and in that suffering He is able to reach out to lift each of us up.

This is a beautiful chapter.

In chapter 11, Nephi asks for and receives a vision of the tree of life similar to the vision his father receives. But it starts out differently. In Chapter 11, verse 8, 9:

8 And it came to pass that the Spirit said unto me: Look! And I looked and beheld a tree; and it was like unto the tree which my father had seen; and the beauty thereof was far beyond, yea, exceeding of all beauty; and the whiteness thereof did exceed the whiteness of the driven snow.

9 And it came to pass after I had seen the tree, I said unto the Spirit: I behold thou hast shown unto me the tree which is precious above all.

The first thing Nephi sees right out of the gate is a tree, far beautiful than anything imaginable.

Contrast this with Lehi’s experience:

5 And it came to pass that I saw a man, and he was dressed in a white robe; and he came and stood before me.

6 And it came to pass that he spake unto me, and bade me follow him.

7 And it came to pass that as I followed him I beheld myself that I was in a dark and dreary waste.

8 And after I had traveled for the space of many hours in darkness, I began to pray unto the Lord that he would have mercy on me, according to the multitude of his tender mercies.

9 And it came to pass after I had prayed unto the Lord I beheld a large and spacious field.

10 And it came to pass that I beheld a tree, whose fruit was desirable to make one happy.

11 And it came to pass that I did go forth and partake of the fruit thereof; and I beheld that it was most sweet, above all that I ever before tasted. Yea, and I beheld that the fruit thereof was white, to exceed all the whiteness that I had ever seen.

Lehi rather begins his vision in darkness where he spends many hours. It says that he was led, but it also seems the man disappears and Lehi is forced to wander alone until finally he prays for grace and is delivered from the darkness. Only then, does Lehi get the blessing of the tree.

Why the difference? I have two thoughts here. Lehi didn’t seek for this vision, it came to him in a dream. Lehi needed to be taught, but he did not know it. There was knowledge out there that Lehi was not aware of to even seek. As a result, the dream begins in darkness, that is the first grace, he was made aware of his ignorance and lack of light. I often have this feeling of thinking I know more than I really do. There are times in my life when I’m woken up to the reality that I’m really just wandering in ignorance. Those feelings can be difficult, painful, overwhelming. I like Lehi’s response. He prays for mercy and is immediately blessed with light. The darkness is a grace. The light is a grace.

Second, Nephi is being taught by his father. Lehi teaches his family about the dream. Nephi’s immediately recognizes his ignorance and seeks for greater understand through prayer. For Nephi, his father was the man leading him through darkness toward the light. Thus, when Nephi prays, he’s basking in the light already. This is a grace, a grace of a parent, of family and Nephi is smart enough to stand on the shoulders of his dad.

Each of us have both alternatives before us. Some of us have had the blessings of lineage and geneology. We are born on third base. This is a grace, an opportunity. Some others of us are born in darkness. It is our calling to walk through the darkness to find the light.

For all of us, there is light and beauty. We can find it. It’s a tender mercy when we do.

In the introduction of his books “Rhube Goldberg Machines”, Adam Miller writes:

“Engaged in this work, theology has only one strength: it can make simple things difficult. Good theology forces detours that divert us from our stated goals and prompt us to visit places and include people that would otherwise be left aside. The measure of this strength is charity. Theological detours are worth only as much charity as they are able to show. They are worth only as many waylaid lives and lost objects as they are able to embrace. Rube Goldberg Machines, models of inelegance, are willing to loop anything into the circuit—tax collectors, prostitutes, lepers, Democrats, whatever. This is their joy. Here, the impromptu body of Christ is a Rube Goldberg Machine. In charity, the grace of a disinterested concern for others and the gratuity of an unnecessary complication coincide. Charity is a willingness to have our lives made difficult by people we did not have to help, objects we did not have to save, thoughts we did not have to think.

Miller, Adam S. (2012-04-04). Rube Goldberg Machines: Essays in Mormon Theology (Kindle Locations 123-128). Greg Kofford Books. Kindle Edition.

I’m not sure we tend to think of ideas in this way. We tend toward over-simplifications, trying as we might to make our lives easier, simpler, more streamlined. I love this idea of charity in the last sentence. We tend to think of charitable acts and they certainly make our lives more difficult, when we sacrifice a Saturday morning helping someone move, or pull over to help someone stranded on the side of the road rather than continuing on in our journey.

But it also shows true charity to be willing to think of ideas that we do not have to think. Be willing to show true empathy for an individual whose worldview is drastically different than our own, driven as they often are by unique life-experiences far different than anything we’ve had to endure.

Last April, I was interested in General Conference, a bi-annual gathering of our major church leaders who present several talks over the the course of a weekend. This past conference was interesting because of its emphasis on strengthening the family unit, here, here, and here.

In the first Boyd K. Packer says:

The commandment to multiply and replenish the earth has never been rescinded. It is essential to the plan of redemption and is the source of human happiness. Through the righteous exercise of this power, we may come close to our Father in Heaven and experience a fulness of joy, even godhood. The power of procreation is not an incidental part of the plan; it is the plan of happiness; it is the key to happiness.

And so goes the central theme of his talk – that everything, all joy and happiness is contingent on how we use or abuse our sacred powers of creation and this, then, becomes an explanation about why chastity is such a central concern within the church I belong.

To his credit, Elder Packer gives a list of some of the worthy exceptions and he also describes the atoning power of Christ to heal from the consequences of sinful indiscretions.
Elder Perry has similar sentiments:

The entire theology of our restored gospel centers on families and on the new and everlasting covenant of marriage.

We also believe that strong traditional families are not only the basic units of a stable society, a stable economy, and a stable culture of values—but that they are also the basic units of eternity and of the kingdom and government of God.

And finally Elder Christofferson:

A family built on the marriage of a man and woman supplies the best setting for God’s plan to thrive—the setting for the birth of children, who come in purity and innocence from God, and the environment for the learning and preparation they will need for a successful mortal life and eternal life in the world to come.

And in his talk, Elder Christofferson makes one notable addition to Elder Packer’s list of exceptions, those who experience “same-sex attraction”.

To declare the fundamental truths relative to marriage and family is not to overlook or diminish the sacrifices and successes of those for whom the ideal is not a present reality. Some of you are denied the blessing of marriage for reasons including a lack of viable prospects, same-sex attraction, physical or mental impairments, or simply a fear of failure that, for the moment at least, overshadows faith. Or you may have married, but that marriage ended, and you are left to manage alone what two together can barely sustain. Some of you who are married cannot bear children despite overwhelming desires and pleading prayers.

My church does place a special emphasis on marriage and family and children, for good reason. It’s within marriage and family, it seems, that life’s greatest joys and life’s toughest challenges are often experienced. It’s such a privilege and such an advantage to have had a childhood blessed with parents who are carefully attentive, watchful and loving, and a horrible tragedy when one suffers childhood without such blessings.

There are enormous pressures to delay childbearing and marriage. Nearly half of all children in the English speaking world will not be living with one of their biological parents by the time they reach 16 years old. So much that is evil in the world today and in our history is evil directed at families. No one describes slavery as bluntly as Ta-Nehisi Coates who writes that the deepest darkest evil of slavery is what it did to black families:

Very few of them run because of slavery, itself. In the main, it is not simply the thievery of their labor, the lack of civil rights, or even the floggings that compel them.  It is their status as property, the utter inability to construct a secure family due to the threat of rape or sale. It is the making of “barbarous havoc” upon the household. The Underground Railroad springs not simply from the immorality of labor-theft, but from the immorality familiocide.

I think also of the families ripped apart or the young men who are rendered incapable of starting a family because of our mass incarceration policies. I think of the families ripped apart when undocumented fathers and husbands are deported while wives and children are left behind. We over-enforce our laws and destroy families.

The pressure on families are real and the benefits of having in-tact families on children outcomes are well-documented. It’s been in society’s best interest to promote, support and even incentivize the formation of family units giving children the best chance at good lives. The church ups the ante here with the introduction of eternal marriage to its theology and tying marriage, family and children to salvation.

This rhetoric makes it extremely difficult to reconcile those who struggle to live up to this ideal. But there are exceptions, significant exceptions. I just finished reading, No More Goodbyes by Carol Lynn Pearson. She has such a remarkable story. A Mormon artist and writer who married a gay man. That marriage ended in divorce, but they remained friends. He eventually suffers from AIDS, and she, by his side, provides nurturing and support as he eventually passes on.

In this book, written much later in 2006, she describes her experiences since, fellowshipping and assisting so many people struggling with being gay in the Mormon church. Chapter after chapter she gives them space to share their stories. She concludes it this way:

“I know the human family, and I say with Anne Frank, ‘I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are really good at heart.’ I know the Mormon heart. It is a good and great heart. It is a heart that opens wide whenever a need is seen.”

Love is the first law of heaven and it’s the foundation of all other commandments. If we’re not motivated by love in all that we do, pure love and goodness, something is wrong. And that’s why it’s a challenge when a gay person comes out in a Mormon family. They are forced to reconcile a Mormon theology that at the moment leaves little room to understand or make sense and room for a gay person,  and the deeper commandment to love everyone. Too many people choose their over simplified, limited understanding of the theology over pure and unconditional love and acceptance.

One thing I know, with God nobody is excluded. God remembers everyone no matter how marginalized they may feel. It’s our duty to feel the same. Our love must be a “Rube Goldberg Machine”, models of inelegance, making our lives difficult for the people we did not have to (but must) help.

The opening chapters of the Book of Mormon are told through the eyes of Nephi, the son of the prophet and spiritual leader, Lehi. Take note of this. Nephi is just an ordinary member of the family, a younger son. Lehi feels compelled to prophecy and preach and has these amazing visions. In 1 Nephi chapter 8, Lehi has a vision of the tree of life. He describes it with little interpretation other than to use it as a way to implore his two oldest sons to shape up and partake of the fruit.

Nephi responds in the way typical of him. He wanted to have the same experiences. He knew this was possible because his prayers have been answered before. He already had a deep relationship with the divine. He describes it this way:

1 For it came to pass after I had desired to know the things that my father had seen, and believing that the Lord was able to make them known unto me, as I sat pondering in mine heart I was caught away in the Spirit of the Lord, yea, into an exceedingly high mountain, which I never had before seen, and upon which I never had before set my foot.

Compare that experience with Lehi’s experience in the very first chapter of the Book of Mormon:

 6 And it came to pass as he prayed unto the Lord, there came a pillar of fire and dwelt upon a rock before him; and he saw and heard much; and because of the things which he saw and heard he did quake and tremble exceedingly.

Or with Nephi in the second chapter:

16 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, being exceedingly young, nevertheless being large in stature, and also having great desires to know of the mysteries of God, wherefore, I did cry unto the Lord; and behold he did visit me, and did soften my heart that I did believe all the words which had been spoken by my father; wherefore, I did not rebel against him like unto my brothers.

In chapter 11, Nephi was more experienced, he had greater faith, his heart was already softened. Unlike in chapter 2, Nephi was already converted. He believed, he was ready. And he was blessed with a transcendent experience, carried away to a high mountaintop, away from  everything and everyone.

Lehi’s experience was darker, scarier maybe? Lehi quaked and trembled, he was visited by fire.

Faulconer asks whether or not Lehi is visited by a different being in chapter 1 then Nephi is in chapter 11. I think so. Faulconer also wonders what pondering something in your heart means and how is that different than pondering in your mind.

I’m actually amazed at these experiences. Again, Nephi is called to nothing. He is a son of a prophet but not the prophet. He is the follower in this little church. But in many ways, he goes beyond his father. His experience of the tree of life is more expansive, with greater explanation. I think this teaches me that these kinds of experiences are available to me as well, but there are conditions. We must act as Nephi acted. We must cry, have desire, ponder vigorously, strive.

But I think heavenly manifestations are beside the point. We don’t need angels from heaven to visit us. Adam Miller in a recent article put it this way:

I’m not denying that these supernatural things are real or that people don’t have the kind of direct contact with supernatural things that I never have. I’m just saying that they’ve never happened to me and that, at best, I can only speak about them in the third person on the basis of what others say.

But I don’t think that this is a disaster. And I don’t think it means that Mormonism doesn’t work. In fact, Mormonism seems to be working pretty well in transforming me in all kinds of ways that I find to be difficult and uncomfortable and extremely valuable.

But this transformation has also been profoundly ordinary and it has revolved around God trying to get me to stop speculating about other worlds and far off places and supernatural events and to, instead, pay attention to what’s happening right now, in this world, right in front of my own eyes.

This transformation has revolved around God trying to get me to pay attention to and care for the kinds of things that are so near and obvious that I’m prone to overlook them — the kinds of things that manifest God’s grace concretely at work in the world.

As best as I can tell, though, this is exactly what God wants. If I’m ever going to learn to see him, it will be by learning to see his hand at work in the air I breath and grass I mow. It will be by learning to see his eyes shining out from my child’s face. It will be by reading a book and hearing it read in his voice.

So, out answers to our prayers most likely will not come in this way, although they might. But even if they did, it would be beside the point. Does it matter how our answers come? Does it matter how our experiences with God are manifest? What matters is that they do come. But like Nephi, we need to seek and we need to listen. The answer to our prayer might come during sacrament meeting through a talk given by a barely audible youth speaker, who stands with trembling hands and reads her talk. Our answers just might be in there. Or at work, our answers might come indirectly from a colleague in a meeting. Or my neighbor may have the answer in their head if I only had the guts to come over and talk.

Really there are a multitude of ways, answers to prayers come, solutions to problems arrive in our lap. I am surrounded by angels. I need to pay attention.

I’ve always depended on the kindness of strangers.

 12 Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him.

And, to be perfectly frank, there have been times when members or leaders in the Church have simply made mistakes. There may have been things said or done that were not in harmony with our values, principles, or doctrine.

I suppose the Church would be perfect only if it were run by perfect beings. God is perfect, and His doctrine is pure. But He works through us—His imperfect children—and imperfect people make mistakes.

In the title page of the Book of Mormon we read, “And now, if there are faults they are the mistakes of men; wherefore, condemn not the things of God, that ye may be found spotless at the judgment-seat of Christ.”⁶

Having faith that others will come through for us is difficult because they will at times let me down. People are imperfect, any organization run by people is flawed, even churches. God is perfect, but his ways are not our ways, and we don’t always understand or our channel to Him may feel muddled and unclear. Our own ears may not be tuned properly to hear what’s being said.

I think being faithful is easier. Sticking with it. Staying firm. Even when I falter, I don’t have to stray. Because I’m married. I made promises and commitments. I am sustained by these relationships. I need to do my part to sustain and support these relationships as well.

In 1 Nephi 6, Nephi pauses from the story briefly to describe the purpose for writing this book. Verse 3:

3 And it mattereth not to me that I am particular to give a full account of all the things of my father, for they cannot be written upon these plates, for I desire the room that I may write of the things of God.

4 For the fulness of mine intent is that I may persuade men to come unto the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, and be saved.

1 Nephi 1:20 says:

20 … But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance.

In both verses, Nephi describes why he’s writing this book. In one, he points us to the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, the God of these old testament prophets who will save us. In the second, he wants to show us the “tender mercies” bestowed on those God chooses because of their faith.

I’m not sure what to make of this connection. All I have are some random thoughts:

God chooses us because of our faith. If we put our trust in God, we are chosen. We choose God, He then chooses us. There is no interview, no qualifying exam. We are worthy because He loves us. That’s it.

I think being delivered or being saved can have two connotations. In this life, he may deliver us from our enemies. We will be protected and watched over and cared for. This is a central theme of the Book of Mormon. So much of it is about material salvation, being blessed with prosperity because of righteousness – this is more communal than individual. When the society in general falls into wickedness, the righteous few suffer  along with the rest. I think people forget this point. War, poverty, sickness affects us communally. In so many ways, we are in this together. Bunkers in the backyard will not save us.

And of course, there is a spiritual salvation, being able to find peace in a troubled world here and now, but also an endearing hope for something better in the next life. The purpose of the book is to show us how to get both this peace and this hope. There’s something communally applicable here as well. We find peace in our relationships, with our family, our friends, with our neighbors, our colleagues, and congregational family. Bringing God into our relationships can help us find peace.

The purpose of the Book of Mormon, then, in summary, is to bring us to God and in that we can find salvation and deliverance, perhaps spiritually and materially. But I think this is meant for us collectively because we find this peace and this salvation together.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is an uniquely remarkable church. At its foundation is the Book of Mormon, this sacred book miraculously translated by Joseph Smith serves as the foundation of the church’s founding. The book justifies Joseph Smith’s calling as a prophet of God and has convinced countless of people to follow him by joining the church he founded. Without the book there is no church. As a result of this, Mormon skeptics have tried to explain this book away as something invented by Joseph Smith, chalking it up to his brilliance. Believers have tried to find evidence of its authenticity not only as a religious book, but as a historical one as well.

I say this because I find Faulconer’s question on 1 Nephi 5:21 so interesting:

21 And we had obtained the records which the Lord had commanded us, and searched them and found that they were desirable; yea, even of great worth unto us, insomuch that we could preserve the commandments of the Lord unto our children.

His question is concerned with the word “unto”, in “that we could preserve the commandments of the Lord unto our children”. Why “unto” and not “for”?

Webster says “unto” is another word for “to”. In a casual reading of this verse, in my head, I actually want to read “for” not “to”. Meaning the scriptures are here for us, to serve us, to help us, to give us direction. But this one word changes the meaning in an interesting way. Rather than for us, they are written to us. The commandments and the scriptures are written to save us, to warn us, to make us uncomfortable. Rather than be our servants that “for” implies, perhaps they are acting more as our masters, forcing themselves into our lives not waiting for us to bring them in.

Just some random thoughts, here.

But all of these questions are meaningful only if we think every single word in this book counts, that nothing is throw away. The only way one can believe this is if you believe in this book. I do.

The opening story of the Book of Mormon describes Lehi’s family in Jerusalem. Upon the Lord’s command, Lehi makes an abrupt exit from Jerusalem with his family. They travel for three days into the desert when Lehi is prompted to send his sons back into Jerusalem to collect the Brass Plates containing their sacred scriptures in order to preserve their religion as they wandered into a new land.

When Lehi asks his sons to take the trek back into the desert, his oldest two sons rebel. Nephi on the other hand quotes what has become one of the most famous Mormon verses in all of scripture:

“And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.”

Faulconer wonders how and why this teaching differs from another less famous one in D&C 124:49 here:

 “Verily, verily, I say unto you, that when I give a commandment to any of the sons of men to do a work unto my name, and those sons of men go with all their might and with all they have to perform that work, and cease not their diligence, and their enemies come upon them and hinder them from performing that work, behold, it behooveth me to require that work no more at the hands of those sons of men, but to accept of their offerings.”

The Doctrine and Covenants is a book of scripture written primarily by Joseph Smith describing the revelations he received while trying to build the church. Those early Mormons suffered a great deal of persecutions, afflictions and setbacks as they tried not only to establish a new religion but to build up Zion. The experiences of Lehi echo in many ways the experiences of Joseph Smith. It must have been difficult for those early Saints to suffer setback after setback. It must have been a relief to get these words, that despite their failures, their attempts were accepted by God.

At the surface and without context, these scriptures seem to contradict. Perhaps, though, like most things, they require context and shouldn’t be considered to be universally applicable.

For me, I feel at times inspired to do certain things. Whether that inspiration is from God or from another source is not always easy to tell. So, that’s problem number one. I believe I have a commandment from God to me specifically to do something difficult. And if in my effort to try, I might fail because maybe, it turns out, I misunderstood what God wanted me to do? That’s one possible problem.

The second for me, is the idea that God will only accept my failure if I really tried to succeed with “all of my might”. I almost never feel this way. I nearly always feel like there was at least a little more I could have done, especially when I come up short on a goal I’ve set for myself.

This reminds me a bit of my school experience. A person is given a deadline, you either accomplish your goal by the deadline or you don’t. Either way, you’re given a grade and you move on. Sometimes my offering to the teacher has been acceptable and sometimes it hasn’t been. There are times when this applies to the real world as well. The real world wants results, the effort it takes to get there is irrelevant. But there are countless examples of those who have tried to accomplish something difficult, only to set up a path for others to succeed.

History provides countless examples of this. Visiting Martin’s Cove last summer, it was an interesting time to get more exposure to the Willie and Martin handcart tragedy during the church’s emigrant period into Salt Lake City. It was a catastrophic tragedy, a disaster. One could call it a failure. At the visitor’s center, the guide reminded me that though it may have been a failure, the lessons learned and the faith exhibited were lessons that added to the legacy of the early church, and through their efforts of sacrifice and courage, helping in that failure, to make the church what it has become today.

But this can all be tough stuff. We are all so imperfect, half blind, trying our best, but mostly failing day after day. I think through whatever successes and through the my many failures all I can do is hope my efforts are acceptable because, in fact, they are. God’s grace is already in place before I even tried. And His grace is sufficient.

I’ve read the Book of Mormon many times, starting my study in vigor when I went on a two year mission. I read it before my mission and I was given Mormonism by my parents. It’s my religion, a big part of my identity, and it’s my primary guide in my life. I love my religion, I love it’s sacred scripture.

Recently, I discovered this book, The Book of Mormon Made Harder“, written by a Mormon theologian and philosopher. The book has no answers, only questions. I’m going to write my answers to selected questions as I make my through this remarkable book.

My first post follows:

1 Nephi 2: 16: “And it came to pass that I Nephi, being exceedingly young, nevertheless large in stature and also having great desires to know the mysteries of God, wherefore, I did cry unto the Lord; and behold he did visit me, and did soften my heart that I did believe all the words which had been spoken by my father; wherefore, I did not rebel against him like unto my brothers.”

In a recent general conference session, President Uchtdorf when addressing those who have struggled with doubt or a lack of faith gave this counsel:

Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters—my dear friends—please, first doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.⁸ We must never allow doubt to hold us prisoner and keep us from the divine love, peace, and gifts that come through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.

We’ve often seen doubt vilified, for example, the “doubting” Thomas of the New Testament, who refused to believe that Jesus had indeed risen again until he could see for himself. Here is Jesus’ response:

John 20:29 Jesus saith unto him, Thomas, because thou hast seen me, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.

Not that Thomas wasn’t blessed for having this remarkable experience, but the implication is clear. Those who can believe without having to see are even more blessed.

Another example is with Peter who in the midst of a storm walked on water toward Jesus, but as he did so, he feared and began to sink. As Jesus lifted him up, he gently rebuked:

31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?

Faith is the first principle of the gospel and doubt, it seems here, is the opposite of faith. But what does it mean to have faith? What does it mean to doubt?

I think doubt is a natural part of the experience here on earth. I believe if we don’t experience doubt we’re not really trying enough in our lives. The question isn’t whether or not we will doubt, it’s what we will do with our doubts and our questions.

Gina Colvin hosts a really great podcast and she came up with this great idea called “Got a Sermon” where various people record and submit their own sermons for her to publish on her podcast. Recently, Jay Griffith gave this really touching sermon on revelation. Toward the end of it he says this:

I’ve always loved to question, to learn and to explore, to try new things. This has only increased with age. This year has been particularly rich in learning and relationships. I’ve been invigorated by digging even deeper into the history of our church as we’ve been counseled to do. Not being afraid to doubt, but doubting my doubts first.

I like that last line, not being afraid to doubt, but doubting those doubts first. But I want to parse that phrase a bit because it just seems important. What does it mean to not be afraid to doubt especially when it seems doubt is something we should strive not to do.

I’m wondering how many of us avoid the difficult parts of our lives because we’re afraid we’re not up to it. And sometimes we’re not and it’s better to just leave it alone until we’re ready. I think as members of a church, we shield ourselves from critics and skeptics because we’re afraid for our faith. Or perhaps worse, we’re afraid to dig into new knowledge because we’re afraid it may lay waste to the foundation of our most cherished beliefs. Perhaps as a Mormon, we’re afraid to dig into the messiness of church history or we just can’t stomach reading someone questioning the Book of Mormon’s historicity. But perhaps we shouldn’t be afraid for our faith, but rather use our faith as a light to make our way through new ideas.

Going back to the counsel of President Uchtdorf, the most important faith is faith in Jesus Christ. There are so many ways one can experience and feel the love of God and feel the sanctification that is possible through the atonement of Christ. One may not even equate these experiences directly with Christ, but as a Christian who feels God is in all things and that the atonement is big enough and wide enough to encompass the whole earth, let’s just say for the sake of discussion, that faith in Christ is the same as having faith in goodness and beauty and truth and in our own connection to all of that.

And so, these experiences of goodness, these feelings that we all can experience, that we are loved, that we belong, that as children of God, we can do the hard things we feel called to do, this enables our faith in our selves, in God, in others, in institutions. But as we push into new areas, as we stumble, as we encounter complexity, difficulty, contradiction, paradox, our faith falters. As we run into the consequences of our own mistakes or the mistakes of others. As we feel the abuse of an institution run by flawed individuals, we may shrink and let these experiences destroy our faith. We may encounter feelings of sadness, anxiety, self-doubt, darkness. But perhaps, going back to Jay Griffith’s quote, we shouldn’t be afraid of our doubts, but we should always doubt our doubts. Perhaps this means that the faith we do have should act as the foundation as we work our way into the darkness to gather more light, more understanding.

In a very real sense, we’re all just children, stumbling through life. There’s much, much more that we don’t know than what we do know. But it’s our duty, while we are still breathing, to learn a little bit more, to grow a little more more. And I think doubt is a natural consequence of this.